No photos today.
My canon is dead.
There's more to my day to unfold... But I feel like writing now.
I wrote alot already in bed last night that I didn't sleep very much.
It I don't think I said in my last entry, but I revealed to the house
1. I'm trans
2. I'm buddhist
3. I'm christian
4. I'm often thinkng about the paradoxes that come therefore.
The room reaction was akward and pausing.
but who cares
I told three of my closest friends.
One implied I was stupid for saying that.
He thinks I'm on some "follower shit".
I get a little upset over this...
It's just misunderstanding.
Of course it's easy to misunderstand the statement...
I feel especially with Christian...that's a loaded statement.
My friend said to me:
"your missing that the more deatiled the categorization
the more potent.
3 people wearing tshirts
2 wearing surpreme"
my reply was I should wear a shirt that says:
"I believe in a SUPREME being."
just some play chat...
However I feel sadden at this conversation.
It's really a messy drama in dealing with binaries.
When anyone implies there's something bad or good it wrestles with my heart.
If I'm being expected to lean good or bad it is even more challenging for me...
The following two friends who I spoke to were much more relaxing for me to speak with.
It's not a matter of I'm now going to church or the temple.
I just see no other option to reconcile this situation.
I tried to put away being trans and that was a big mistake.
I'm sure pretending I'm not buddhist and christian is only going to create more negative commotion.
One of the phone calls I had was quite long before I met my therapist and after the call I shed many tears.
I realized I love this person... and it's the first time I felt love for a man with the knowledge I'm a woman.
This was such a nice feeling, but a little weird because I've been quite rigid about being a lesbian...
I do not find men physically attractive, but I can find them emotionally attractive.
This kills me more than physical appearances anyways...
And this certain person seemed happy and upbeat on the phone, it made me cry with joy.
But since I'm also essentially a hormonal 16 year old, my feels got a little out of hand.
Next moment I feel this intense rush to escape SF and get to the east coast immediately.
Just to be near this person... it was like a surge of necessity.
and I do the Iching reading because I'm 1hr early for my appointment...
Iching confirms it's a success and even talks about the man and the girl invovled in a marraige.
Makes sense to me.
I'm totally crazy about this shit I get so caught up in fantasy...its just my nature..
If I suddenly had opportunity to be with this person, i dont think id ever have the courage to express romantic love
There's too much creativity to get busy with...
The therapy session was short.
Not much to say I dont feel I made any progress.
Just talking about some shit...but I feel better after a little more present.
The therapist expressed explicit concern if I want to hurt myself to call ER and call her.
and I said this will never happen, I just have severe depression...
I think if I realized anything in my talks with her is I'm starting to accept
it's unlikely I can repair my relationship with my dad.
It was never formulated to begin with.
I dont think he sees me as a woman. Period.
this is some foundational trouble...
Boring speaking about this
The good part of the day is what happened after the emotions...
Its a long entry...
I came home and checked discord which I installed the other day onto the new system.
and right there in the chatroom there are some accounts chatting about my old music album "the fourth bully".
and they are expressing lots of curiosities how it came to be etc... some mystery for them...
but they said they are too nervous to ask me outright.
So I just sat down and immediately composed a small list of things explaining varous elements of the album.
What came from what, who was invovled in what, why so and so, my emotionally abusive step uncle, my exrelationship
with a georgian girl... tbilisi...momobako...
Someone said the album makes them cry.
I can't believe this, but I understand somehow...
it was such an emotional time and
I'm an emotional person...
But I'm glad to see this connection was made.
And these are just teenagers...
It reminds me of myself how excited I was about new music.
and the kids who are listening to 'crazy shit' now are listening to my music..
I guess it feels like some cycle... I got influence as a teen...
then I influence some teens... they might go and influence some other teens.
I dont want or need to think about it...
If this conversation happened when I actually made that album it may have not gone well.
back when I was closet transgirl... and much more whacky with my communications online.
This one kid expressed a down and out feeling... being inferior whatever
I made it very clear I thought he should snap out of it and never talk shit on themselves.
I said it was outrageous behavior. but I understand because I deal with it all the time
Its not real.
I get an email from another teenager, one who took inspiration from my paintings...
I'm happy with our connection he shares his paintings to me and I get to see him develop..
I just feel so confused about the people who I used to look up to.
I think that's why I act the way I do in dealing with people who are "looking up to me".
I looked up to these different artists whatever, so many of them, basically all of them
had this impenetratable layer of cool. Acting too above being a kind person...
I guess now I dont give two shits about mystery and identity if I'm speaking with
a discord of trans persons, these are people who deal with some shit... I'm not down to spread bad vibes.
I do feel some personal drives to make sure the right thing is done...
Only in accordance with how I was treated by my idols, I can't say it was done very well.
All of my idols turned out to be assholes...
But I forgive them... I must..
It's too much of an awkward burden I feel for most people to deal with fans.
I think artists feel sick when they see someone else copy them or be like
omg I love yur work!!!
I dunno... whenver I get an email from a total stranger thanking me it's really a miracle for me.