I woke u in a delierious hateful haze.
in my dreams, my father was the antagonist... he always is.
The vibe was so upsetting..I just woke up miserable
I tried to push those feelings away by sleeping longer.
I have no job, no real plan for my life, no motivation..I sleep easily.
When I woke up I randomly decided to attempt finishing the SuperCollider tutorials
I am not sure if they are good or not.
The pacing is very slow...
Towards the end I just lost interest.
I'll have to review it later...
After the tutorials, Im not sure what I did today...
I may have just sat on discord with the teenagers.
My memory is bad these days...
I guess all I remember today is obsessing over loli art.
This leads me always down the same path of downloading visual novel images as "reference".
Since I still have this fantasy of making a visual nove...
I guess it's some mania.. I could be obsessing over anything at anytime...
I still have to write the story...
I managed to write while waiting for my burrito.
The doctor is now called the CMO (cheif medical officer).
It's perfect because it is the same title of a high ranking division in the Sea Org.
The Commandore's Messanger Office I believe.
I worked out some plot concepts and made the girl be a civilian.
It works out better this way, she paid for her smokers room and all she does all day is hang out on the civinet.
Some other kinks I had to iron out regarding the crossaint and needed to make sense of some motivations
I remember now, it occured to me that the CMO could have a choice...
1. Tell the girl how he got the extra crossaint>
2. Keep it a secret?>
If he tells her then her blackmail power becomes stronger, she just has more power over him...
But he really wants her to know because he wants to boast and try to get her attracted to him.
It's in my index cards.
I would be more depressed if... I couldn't write shit.
luckily, no matter how randomly distracted I get by suddenly wanting to draw flower lolis...
and installing renpy on arch linux (it didnt work)... I'm glad I can write.
It feels on the whole, a wasted day. I have these often.
This isn't a very happy entry, it wasn't a very happy day.
I am embarrassed to say this but I feel really gross and fat.
But I can't stop eating crap.
My appitite..maybe due to estrogen..its just monsterous. I want to eat constantly.
Im certainly more desirous of donuts and garbage.
I ran out of minoxidil.
That will change tomorrow.
This post doesn't feel very good but I feel I should write anyways...despite this bad feeling.
My therapist said I have severe depression.
I believe that!
In the past, this was an impossible idea.
While showering, before the SC tutorials, I felt very giddy and glee (after making love to myself).
This was fleeting...
but the happy upbeat feeling I immediately thought was just mania
but I also think... what if it just feels like mania because im so depressed all the time
any sort of joy or excitement is just relatively so different..
Its shocking to feel excited,good and happy.
I'm much more used to being lower on the spectrum or something, my neutralized zone is low.
I thought I was netural but I might not be at all.
Well I really want to tell you that I really want this project to become reality.
I can live for my transition...
But other than that Im not sure what to live for.
And I dont know how to realize it... so I will keep writing no matter what.
I do wish very much so that if it's a book I can get it published and have it be successful.
Even though this is totally counter to my belief on success failure is nonsense.
But I acknowledge that I do not set the rules in this society...
success IS all you are offered... failure is stigmatized so much.
I wouldn't say I am a failure, but I feel like one because I'm not able to navigate the society at all.
I am supposed to be this genius artist transgirl...
but I haven't made shit for myself. I have connected to people online and effected some hearts...
it was all charity!
my parents have been supporting me forever.
so many artist have paetrons...
I can't accept this...
I dont know why
my intuition tells me I can't rely on any of these web services
Iching perhaps said something about MV,
but I see this sexy ass skinny ass b**** in bali doing the same thing
and I just go back to feeling the fat gross ugly not passing vibes
I have some beautiful face but when I look in the mirror I still see a man.
And sometimes I look at just my hands and they are very real...but I get this gendered vibe..
its some dysphoria...
I think the thing I am most happy about is the internal state... I'm more honest with myself now.
and i have boobs.
I love my boobs.
I must look trans as fuck.
i need to clean my tiny room.
the desk space needs some revision..I think my back is being destroyed cuz i cant keep the straight posture..
this is a shit entry.