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Pics from today:

just me...

again...
just wanna feel good before going to get sandwich...


arranging these little town kit gives me a strong feeling... the perspective is nice IRL

state of the bathroom before cleaning...ew...


a rejected loli...

some moody note about being a depressed ass trans girl
just want to show the desk again...but with the army loli daughter...


Dear Diary,


Today I woke up again in a state of misery. The dreams, I don't remember exactly, but they were of the gross kind.
I slept it off again... I woke up at 2pm?
I realized when I got up that this was not a joke (this depression)
Suicide was on my mind, but not in some explicit way.
I have no motivation to do anything...
I ended up going on a walk to a cafe I didnt visit before.
I didn't even shave... I was like who cares anymore.
At the cafe, I brought index cards.
What I noticed recently...
Writing is really easy for me...
I had no troubles writing and filling up all of the index cards I brought.
I skipped ahead in the TL and wrote extensively about the yuri romance.
It's a love triangle. There is olaf, who's maybe lowkey trans on some level.
There's the lesbian princess girl and the straight princess girl.
A deicion about gender and presentation was settled.
In this ecumenopolis entities fit onto two spectrums.
There's the feminine <-> masculine.
There's the froggish <-> floral.
Olaf is neutral and more masculine (since his denial)
The lesbian is floral + masculine.
The striaght girl is feminine and floral.

I wrote alot I wont rewrite it here but I made some sense of a few plotpoints.
Since I blew through those cards I went to buy some more.
At CVS I saw various products... I ended up spending 100 dollars.
I got a blending brush.
Coverup...Foundation...
A comb.
Minoxidil.
Grey hairdye. Now my hair is dark blueish color.
I just wanted to treat myself somehow... change my hair... I thought it would make me feel cuter.
It worked thankfully... I feel less ugly atm.
The foundation I hope I can get used to and not feel so ugly about my 5'oclock shadow.
This diary is such a mess..Just woes and weepings.
I cleaned the bathroom...
To not be so miserable is something I actually want, but it takes me a long time to get anything done.
It might be the first time I cleaned the bathroom since moving in Jan 1st 2020.
I also spent a fair amount of time chatting to individuals on the discord.
The teenagers kick off when I come in and it's really enjoyable for me
I can't lie...
It's a joy to have these youthful souls to talk to
I'm so lonely, I dont really care who I'm talknig to.
These kids love /f so it's fun to talk to them..
I was about to go into some spiritual chat but I tried to resist..
I dont wanna say anything that will create confusion.
Normally I'd pop off on certain topics...
I tried.. it was just the wrong words.
Asking myself...what am I really saying here? Does this make anysense?
I can't just start saying, mind is buddha and buddha is mind...
I never came to know this on my own. Its not my understanding.
I have the intellectual understanding of this, but not the real understanding.
that is what you're meant to do, is understand everything for yourself.
There is no other way...
Bodhidharma can't teach me...only point me in the direction.
I can't even say I didnt attain anything because I intellectually understand there's nothing to attain
So if there's nothing to attain Im not sure what the fuss is.
I guess bliss and peace of mind from emotional consciousness.
and escape from suffering...birth and death.
lkjsdflkjsdf
my room isnt finished cleaning
cmon cmon cmon cmon
at the vegan sammy spot... two men came and when I sat down we made eye contact.
The outfit I had on... I can't say it was PC.
Legs out..mini skirt...fur coat...big heel boots...
Normally I wouldn't mind this eye contact but now I have this suspcion I cant shake.
Like... I just can't trust this guy's gaze...his intention...
I can just feel from his vibe...
This is some MAN.
Hard to describe.
Its not a person I can trust at all.
It's something in the eyes...and the vibe.
I had the encounter the other day... a pick up truck drove by.
I had heels on, my legs out again, some cute outfit...
ALL FOR ME BTW
and this guy drives past and gives me the "sup bb" eyes...
I didn't really think about it but I gave him "sup" eyes back.
NOT "hey BB" eyes.
But who cares...This guy stopped the vechicle completely and got out.
I turned to look back to see him getting out and I was like...
R u serious?
I tried to make a speedy escape from the area...
he didn't pursue me so I dunno, guess it's lucky.
my friend said men will take any acknowledgement meaning wanting to have sex.
this I know is true on some level, but experiencing it is some other shit..
but I dont believe these men really really really want to fuck me
that's my own transphobia and fear of their transphobia.
if I was a biogirl I'm sure it'd be a whole different drama...
If I have a pussy maybe I would be more open to having sex with men...
Transgirls who are post-op who dont tell their partner they are trans...
I kinda get it... why do you wanna put that shit in their heads?
it just fucks with poor little man brain...
They're too stupid.
but I don't wanna fuck some stupid person who's too stupid to see me as I am.
its like... take it or leave it for me
I really dont see anyone wanting to claim me
I'm ok with that because I have this inner sense of knowing I am too good for most people...
and if I am to have some love or some shit,, it will just come to me
and I will be so happy and thankful, but I cant stew on that when not having it.
sometimes i really feel it's impossible to date an american.
my history is so unamerican...
swedish girl. georgian girl. finnish girl.
british / columbian girl. japanese girl.
chinese girl. once a jewish girl..
the americans during some teen times...
two spanish girls in the beginning.
british girl...
vietnamese girl...
and vietnamese trans girl super model trans mommy villain...
russian boy. but lord knows what his gender really was.RIP.
if I turned out to be trans I wouldn't be surprised if he was too.
the suicide rate is highhhh enough.
since I realized...i never met him I can say his name here.
I love u cawa!!!
moving my thoughts on...
this one teenager recently speaks to me in discord DM.
I think this is a boy but I get a kinda trans vibe...
has a gf...name is same...goes as celest on discord...
hmmm.maybe a lesbian. I really dont know.
the discord seems pretty transy.
i posted a pic of myself.. I feel like im prob the oldest girl in the group.
im like some BIG SIS or some shit.
nobody responds to my photo huhu.
I find people dont really react to my selfies.
so many people get attention when posting photos but that never was the case for me
this isn't a complaint but its something I notice..
i cant say ive ever been some popular selfie girl...
I'm too trans or some shit.
its weird though. I think I just am ugly on camera.
My trans mom perhaps was my last relationship...
she was a supermodel... with lots of attention for her looks...
she considered me her gf (looking back)...
crazy ass bitch...
she said I was beautiful all the time
I didnt really believe it.
sometimes I do see my beauty and I feel shocked but its always in quick flashes...
I dont always see it...most the time i just see fat belly.
I feel insane for writing this shit in my diary but...
the positive view I have for this crap is... it's apart of writing...
I'm getting all the other shit out of my head so I can focus on the writing I actually wanna do...
no im not writing it into this diary...
but I might write it in vim...
I'm not sure yet..
The laptop Im pretty much done with..
it's battery is blown out...
it has scrivener but...
who needs that?
I'm happy writing by hand right now
we can find some basic word editor when it's time to bring into the PC
and in the end we might transcribe it to a visual novel..
so we will be doing coding for that
I think i'm done writing now...
I wanna post these pics from today and review my index cards.